*Just a little side note before I begin, this blog is mainly for me to get thoughts out, however if it helps someone or entertains someone by reading then that’s even better. My grammar and word structure will most likely drive you crazy, I know the proper setup by I will be typing this as if my mind was telling the story and it thinks in odd patterns. Also I am southern, so my blog will likely be long and drawn out.

*Trigger warning-intense blog.

I’ve never liked surprises, even as a small child they just didn’t excite me. I usually would guess what the surprise was way before I received it or it happened-that and it throws me off schedule which makes my anxiety level shoot up to insane levels. That’s another day. another blog.

At this time I was in my early 20s and was miserably pregnant. Anxiously my boyfriend and I awaited the arrival of our first child.He was anxious to be a dad for the first time in a couple of decades, I was anxious to be able to pee a full stream again and not throw up every 20 minutes. We were both working feverishly at our jobs, trying to make as much money as we could before the baby came. We both came from poor areas and our new residence was no different.

On this particular day, I was extremely emotional-pissed, livid, crying mad. You see our schedules often conflicted and I needed time with my love. This was the day we were suppose to both be off work and just enjoy each other. I had an early morning shift that day and then by lunch the day would be ours for the taking. As soon as I got home, my boyfriend told me he had been called in for the evening/night shift at work and he would have leave in a couple of hours. Broken hearted I sulked around for a little bit and then set down with him to just talk before he left. He told me was feeling tired and asked if I would like to snuggle with him on the couch before work. Of course, there is nothing better than snuggling with the one you love-we laid down and napped.In the midst of drooling and entering deep sleep, I was shocked when my boyfriend set up touch his head and said “Oh God baby,my head hurts so bad” I will never forget those words,that day or the days to come. As soon as he said that his eyes rolled back in his head and he literally fell over on top of me passed out. Quickly I pulled myself out from under his limp body and laid him back on the couch so I could grab my phone and call 911. He set up instantly-all most as if he had been awoken from a bad dream, his eyes had fear in them. I knew what was wrong immediately from one of my favorite past time-reading medical books. Oh shit, he’s having a fucking stroke. I knew it. The right side of his face was drooping, weakness on the same side of his body and when he clumsily reached for his coffee it just flowed out of his mouth and he had no idea. By this time I was on the phone with a dispatcher for 911, I told her what had happened that my boyfriend was suffering from stroke-Did those words really just come out of my mouth-it seem so surreal like one the old 80’s music videos with all the fog, it was just so blurry.

It seemed like forever, why the fuck had they not got here? I hung up with 911 and immediately called my sister who has a medical background. “Please help me, what can i do?  I need you”. If I was this scared, I could only imagine what he was feeling. The ambulance came and I begged to ride with them to the hospital and they obliged.” I love you baby, you’re gonna be okay” I blubbered as they were strapping him to the gurney, he was thrashing and fighting it, confusion.  I made the necessary calls to family members to inform his and my family of what was going on-they didn’t seem to grasp the seriousness of the situation, at least not well enough for me. In route I was a sobbing trembling mess, the paramedic radioed to the front cab where I was and told the driver to turn on the siren that the situation had gotten worse. This all occurred within like 20 minutes, the drive to the hospital was maybe 10 miles away from us at most and of course the ambulance that picked us up passed the hospital right up. The box u-turned quickly as the driver muttered shit up his breath. When they took him out of the ambulance and he wasn’t moving, he wasn’t fighting anymore… “I love you baby” I shouted one more time.

I entered the ER and they refused to let me back with him because we were not legally married. We didn’t have that piece of paper but we were partners all the same. I sat down in the waiting room and just sobbed quietly to myself. Within a matter of minutes my mother and sister had made it to the hospital. I told them what was going on, how they wouldn’t let me see him. My sister has never been one to take no for answer, but after numerous no’s and her threats-they finally agreed to let my sister and I to see him. “Thank you God. He can pull out of this, he has to, for us, for our baby. He’s strong, maybe just some rehab and everything will be back to normal, plenty of people have survived stroke. Oh God please let him be okay” my thoughts raced as we walked down the dimly lit corridor. “Have you ever seen someone intubated?”my sister questioned. “Yeah, back when mom was sick”.”Okay, I just want you to be prepared when we walk in”.




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